Birth
Second Story from Dawnlighter’s Journal
by cinderkatt
“Our life occurs in less than a minute.”
“What?”
“Our life occurs in less than a minute,” he repeated.
He pushed up his glasses and looked at his friend. Judd was sitting perfectly still, his right hand leaning at the cushion of his palm. Andy expected him to yawn should he watch him a moment longer. Judd’s eyes were lazily set at the picture in front of them. Andy sighed then turned to his left.
The park was bustling with activity. Children were creating dizzying swirls as they zigzagged around some geezers sitting on brightly-colored picnic blankets. Hawkers were strategically scattered on the greenery, holding every sellable object they could carry. A small group of teens walked lazily about, buzzing with conversation about some insatiable hobby. Not too far a group of overdressed young women twittered past and, almost as interestingly, a couple sprung up under the arms of the leafy trees, basking under the reddish shade of the drying leaves. You can almost imagine the words that their whispers possessed.
“What do you mean?” Andy finally asked him, shrugging his arms momentarily at a kid who bowled over and trapezed on the grass.
“I’ve figured it out finally. It doesn’t matter how old you’d become. Our lives occur in less than a minute.”
“It doesn’t make sense,” Andy said, shaking his head in disdain. “We’ve been bumming here for half an hour now and I definitely – definitely – felt the hour that we wasted on that bus, standing on these two poor old feet of mine.”
“Well,” Judd said as he perked his shoulders “It’s honestly so simple that you’d just get frustrated.” Andy’s brows furrowed and with that Judd smiled serenely. He sighed then he clasped his backpack and slung it over his shoulder. “Thanks, Andy,” he said. “I’d just have to finish something back at our pad.”
“Yeah, sure,” Andy said and just waved goodbye as Judd walked away.
How unusual. Andy sighed and mumbled to himself, “In less than a minute?”
He rested his chin on his hands and looked at the people once more. How ironic it was for Judd to think of such an idea while being here, a place breathing with life… breathing with activity. It was really amazing how his brain works. He attempted to rationalize what Judd said, and vainly tried to trace any connections, but after a while he shook his head again and scratched his right temple. Whoever said that those people with glasses are the weirder ones should definitely take some time of to rethink their concept.
How couldn’t imagine how Judd could conceive such ideas. How does he do it? It was really fascinating, just amazing, but vague … far too vague for him.
He took his own bag then began to trudge away.
He could not close his eyes, he just stared right up. It was as if there were strings on his eyelids that were tied to the ceiling. The ceiling, on the other hand, did not yield to any pattern other than that of the streetlight tracing his window. He took off his glasses then rubbed his eyes. He still cannot understand why it had moved him so. Judd always spoke of unusual things, and eccentric ideas were not new to him but the calmness – that serenity Andy saw on his face before he left – it was not right somehow. It was as if Judd was telling him that the world would end tomorrow with a bright grin. Just the thought of it caused goosebumps to run across his body.
He looked at the bed on the other corner of the room. Empty. He turned to his side and put a pillow over his head. Maybe his mind’s mumblings would shut away. For once he yearned for schoolwork, for long hours that do not permit your thoughts to wander from rigid concepts of knowledge.
Despite his attempts to dam these irrational mental queries the questions still came, drowning out every other thought that offered him rest. It just stayed that way for countless minutes or hours even, that he was not able to realize it when he actually fell asleep. He couldn’t even have remembered closing his eyes. He drifted into an uneasy sleep… uneasy yet deep.
He dreamt about the moon. That distant yet bright floodlight in the sky. He felt the chilly wind coating his skin and causing his hair to sway in front of his eyes. His heartbeat raced frantically in his chest that he could hardly breathe. He began to look down and he saw the countless stars sweep up. When his chin was finally towards the ground he saw the rugged rocks sticking up from the violent tides.
Suddenly he saw where his feet were and he shuddered. The tip of his boots were barely an inch away from the edge. He was afraid that one great gush of air would push him down and he would plummet down to meet the fingers of the waves as it teased the earthen spears that cut across its skin.
Then there was this strange sensation spreading itself on his face… slowly, yet unstoppably, he felt himself smile.
He breathed in and opened his eyes. The ceiling was bright now.
Morning.
He turned to the other bed and found it still empty. He felt his heart go up his throat. He was frozen there for a while, unsure why he felt this terrible unease. He picked up his jacket and put on his shoes. He washed his face for a moment, for a second wondering why there were rings under his eyes. He brushed his teeth and hastily left the room.
Although the sun was already up it was early for campus standards. He looked around the halls. Nobody was up yet. It was a Sunday morning after all. He walked across the hollow corridors and pulled his jacket tighter. The day was unusually cold, as if the warm blood that ran across his veins froze over.
“Anybody awake?” he called out. There was no response. He fished for his cellular phone in his jacket pocket to check the time. 7:00. He looked for Judd’s number and pressed the green button. The other line rang…
‘The subscriber is out of the coverage area or out of reach…’
He pushed the same buttons again. There was incessant ringing again and then the same voice. ‘The subscriber is out of the coverage area…’
“Dammit!” he hissed and shoved his phone back into his pocket.
It was this gut feeling that troubled him. He sometimes gets it and whenever he does it meant that something happened. Something not good.
He had this same feeling before. He woke up one morning and he felt the same unsettling emotion within him. He couldn’t stay at one place all day; he kept on pacing here and there. He shuffled from one activity to another, feeling this persistent discontent. Later that day he discovered that his sister got into a car accident on her way home. A 10-wheeler truck overtaking another car hit her head on. Because of that she was in a coma for two months. They did not even think that she would ever wake up. Remembering that experience made him all the more anxious. He knew it was Judd this time, this feeling told him so.
He rushed to the ground floor. It was a long shot but maybe there was someone there, smoking perhaps at the pocket garden or doing some early-morning exercise. He skipped down the steps hurriedly.
He looked around. The benches were empty, only parked cars bathing with early morning dew greeted him. He looked around once more. There has to be someone at least. Anyone.
He trotted across the garden path and headed for the back garden. Everything was filled with dew. Even the benches were coated with damp droplets. Just beyond the ledge was the city. Despite the rising sun, everything still seemed gray from this distance. He looked around once more, there still was no one there. He sighed heavily then headed for his car.
He barely had an idea on where Judd might be but it was worth the try. He took his cellphone from his pocket again and looked for Alice’s number.
Ring…Ring…
“Hello?” he said as he heard the click that indicated that the ringing had stopped.
“Andy?” said a drowsy voice.
“Sorry for the bother, Alice.”
“It’s okay. What up?”
“Have you seen Judd?”
“Judd?”
“Judd, your brother.”
“Oh, Judas.”
“Yeah.”
“Nope, I haven’t seen him yet…”
“He isn’t there?”
“I really am not sure, I haven’t been out of my room yet. You woke me up remember? Well anyway, maybe he’s in his room but I’m not sure-“ she yawned “-He passed by here last night then he went out. I don’t know if he came back but-” he heard some scuffling paper “-oh yeah, here. Umm, he left you a note of some kind. It’s in an envelope. Want me to read it?”
“A note?” Andy mumbled, his mind raced. Alice was probably the last person Judd would be entrusting something to. “Maybe I’ll just go there to get it. Would it be alright?”
“Sure. I’m already up anyway.”
“Thanks a lot, Alice.”
“No prob.”
The line died.
He shoved his phone back in his pocket then went in his car. It only took him a couple of minutes to surf through the empty streets and get to Judd’s house. He pushed the button of the doorbell and listened to the buzzing sound that it made as he waited nervously in front of the huge wooden gate. His feet tapped on the smooth concrete street, as if counting down the seconds that he was spending there. After a few minutes the gate opened.
Alice looked at him through sleep-leaden eyes, smiled then finally greeted him, “’Morning, A.”
“Hi, Alice.”
“Come on in, help yourself in finding my brother, wherever he is, he’s got to be out there somewhere.”
Andy came in and Alice shut the gate. “Oh yeah, I left the letter at the sala table. I didn’t open it, I promise-“ she yawned again “-Would you mind if I just take a nap while you go around? I’m really sleepy and-”
“Yeah sure,” Andy said hastily, almost comforted that he needn’t have a conversation with her. Judd’s sister was nice, considerate even, but well… a little off from normal people. Alice nodded at him groggily, went up the stairs and disappeared into her room. Andy rushed to the sala and found there a single white envelope resting atop the crystalline coffee table. He slowly took the letter and sat down on the canopy chair near him. The envelope simply had his name on it. He tore the envelope and found there a sheet of brown paper. It looked like one those recycled types that they sold at the gift shop where Judd worked part-time. The letter read:
“Andy,
I really figured it out finally. Everything has come clear to me. I am finally going to born.
Judd”
His mouth hung senselessly beneath his jaw. What in heaven’s name was the letter about? He folded it and put it in his pocket. Judd played games but he didn’t play games that weren’t funny. This cannot be a joke.
He went up the stairs and went towards Judd’s room. He stopped by the door and knocked.
“Judd, are you there?” h e called out.
He waited for a while, looking at the ‘OFF LIMITS!’ sign with tempered tenacity. He knocked again but still no one answered. He opened the door. Mellow sunlight filtered through the half-open window, spilling light on the polished hardwood floor. The room was unusually clean for young men like them, even for Andy’s standards. The bed, although it was obvious that it was somehow used not so long ago was neatly tucked. To the right was Judd’s desk, unlike his desk at their dormitory this one did not have notes posted all over it. Several sharpened pencils, all alike in length, were placed inside a metal pencil holder. Beside it was the brown notepad where the paper from the letter seemed to have been taken. Beside the desk a tall, dark bookcase housed neatly arranged books. There were several hardbound volumes, Andy didn’t even want to know what they were, but he recognized the colorful spines of the paperbacks he found near the middle. They were the books that Judd fancied to read in the dormitory during the weekends.
Andy sighed. Judd wasn’t there obviously. He just went back to his car. Maybe he was overreacting after all, maybe there wasn’t this gut feeling really. He rubbed his eyes only then did he realize that he forgot to bring his glasses. He just turned on the ignition and decided to head back.
As he sailed towards through the first street he noticed that there were several waves of people walking towards the same direction. Most of them looked like they just came from nearby houses since they were just wearing their rubber slippers, shorts and worn out t-shirts. Most of them were whispering excitedly and some of them had their brows furrowed from curiosity because no one would tell them what the spectacle was about.
A man wearing a bright orange reflective vest and a dusty blue cap suddenly broke away from the crowd and headed towards him. He was waving his hands, as if signaling him not to go that way. He stopped his car and waited for the man to come to him. The man took off his cap as Andy’s window slid down.
“Sir, good morning,” the man said with a half-grin.
“Manong, what’s happening? Why are there so many people?”
“There are just some firemen and police,” the man boomed “some problem at the bridge. I’m afraid that you’d have to take a detour, sir.”
“Thank you, manong.”
The man nodded and replaced his cap. Andy just decided to turn around. He checked the clock again: 8:30 a.m. Maybe Judd was already back. Maybe it was just that coffee binge Andy got himself into last night. The people lazily went on towards the spectacle. Andy could still hear their mumblings until he turned right at a corner.
Perhaps this really was a joke, Judd always seemed to want to see the better of him, complaining that Andy was too rigid sometimes. “Live your life man,” Judd would always say when he comes back to their room only to see Andy burning his eyes out from studying another abomination of a book. Andy would always reply that he wish he could and Judd would always laugh and shake his head then finally wish him luck.
Afterwards, when he would look out of the window and he would see Judd sitting by a moonlit bench near the edge of the dormitory grounds where you could easily see the bright lights of Marikina City peeking from the lowlands. Judd would sit there, the same kind of book Andy was reading resting beside him. It was open yet Judd’s gaze was up at the stars instead. After week after they would receive their test results and Andy would always be surprised to find that Judd scored higher than he did.
Andy heaved a breath and hit the breaks gently as the spotlight shifted from yellow to red. All of these actions must have meant something, all of what Judd was trying to show him must have held some genius significance that he was yet to comprehend. What did he mean by being finally born? Was it some new occultist belief? Was it some metaphor for, for –
“Damn, Judd, I wish I had your brain,” he muttered under his breath. A bright green light flickered overhead. He went on driving. The roads were not yet burdened by cars and he was actually surprised to notice that the white lines on the gravel were newly painted. Suddenly they shifted with dark shadows then were illuminated again. When he reached the bridge he looked up, the clouds were swiftly striding across the morning sky; remnants of the rainy evening. The university finally came into view, its great red buildings twisting at the distance, and as he continued on to the second gate the trees shuffled with the newly cut grass.
The university was lonelier than it ever was. Not a single vehicle can be found at the wide parking lots, nor were there any students, often looking lost or aggrieved, littering about on the sidewalks. He went to the parking lot at the dormitory and finally got off his car. He checked his cellular phone for the time. 9:00. He hurriedly went up to their room, wishing that Judd was there all soaked up with liquor, dozing off in his bed as if there’s no tomorrow.
He could not stand the gut feeling any longer. If someone would be so kind to surprise him, he go down with a heart attack. He trudged across the empty, narrow corridors. He stopped in front of the room, opened the door, and then closed it. He walked back down and headed for the great field that was just a few strides away.
The sky was completely blanketed by patches of gray and misty blue and the wind that pushed the clouds before now raced through the crooked grass. He sat and took another look around. There was a lone guard in the distance, walking lazily about, and in another blink of an eye he disappeared in between two buildings.
Andy laid back on the grass and closed his eyes. Who cares? Just let the rain wake him. He hummed and the vibration tickled his lips. He listened to the sound of his own made-up melody then the wind joined in, the swaying grass resonating like millions of rattles warding off intruding souls. The music was lulling him and the soft earth cradled his heavy head. His breath steadily rose and fell. This is true peace.
He counted his inhales and exhales. One… two …
The rush of the waves awakened him. He opened his eyes suddenly. He saw the eternal darkness again with those bright piercing eyes of the angels blinking now and then. God, it was the cliff again. He closed his eyes. God, not this dream again. When he opened them he was before the mouth of the cliff again, staring down at his feet that were just an inch away from the fall.
He felt the smile again. Then suddenly he felt his knees bend.
And he jumped.
He jerked into consciousness.
“Andy?” he heard someone say.
He rubbed his face then squinted. “Cath?”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I just fell asleep.”
She stood up and glanced at the dormitory.
“Um, Cath, did you hear from Judd?”
“Judas? Um…” she looked down. “Here-” she handed him his pair of glasses “-you’d better come with me.”
“Where?”
“To Alice’s. I’ll just be the one to drive.”
“But-”
“I insist.”
They sat there in silence. This was so uncharacteristic of Cathy. She was always the boisterous, intelligently-funny one and to find her without a thing to say was somewhat unnerving. He looked at the clock. 2:11 already? He looked at the sky; it was so dark that there were no other means to know how long he had stayed there at the field.
“Cath.”
“Hmm?”
“Won’t you tell me why we’re going there.”
“Alice wants to tell you something, I couldn’t understand what she was saying. All that I heard was your name.”
He pushed the doorbell button again.
“Cath, we’ve been here for fifteen minutes. Are you sure Alice is home?”
“Um, wait-” she took out her phone and called Alice. It just kept on ringing.
Andy pushed up his glasses then jumped up. Over the fence he saw that the inner door was open. He pushed the gate and, to his surprise it swung open. He and Cathy glanced at each other.
“Let’s go in,” Andy said.
Cathy nodded and they went in. The front door invited them in. Inside, no lights were turned on and the corridor seemed like the gaping mouth of an ancient cavern. Cathy shivered slightly.
“Are you alright?” Andy asked.
“Just the passing breeze.”
“Did Alice answer your call?”
“No, it just kept on ringing.”
Cathy peeked inside. It was completely dark except for a sole stream of light that could be seen upstairs, escaping from an open bedroom door. It wasn’t Alice’s or Judd’s room. “Alice?” she called out. Nobody answered.
Andy started to climb the stairs, she followed shortly. Suddenly shattering the silence, they heard rasp breathing. Andy was going so fast that he nearly stumbled and his eyeglasses almost fell off. He suddenly stopped then looked down on the floor… looking at the figure that rocked back and forth at the door.
“Alice?”
She looked up at him and she smiled through her face that was swelling with tears. “I forgot to tell you. He wanted me to say that he was telling you that it’s your choice.”
“Who? What?”
“He-”
Cathy gasped then rushed towards the bed. She suddenly looked as if she was going to fall over. Her fingers scurried for a pulse, then she speak soothingly to stir him but he didn’t move.
“Alice, what happened?” Andy asked her. He was unable to look up towards Cathy he was just looking at Alice.
“He wanted me to tell you…”
“No!” Andy rocked her with his wavering grasp but her gaze adamantly remained on the open door.
“What happened to Judd?”
“He wanted me to tell you-”
“Alice - ALICE! Look at me! Listen to me!”
“He slept, Andy,” she whispered, still rocking back and forth.
“I know, Alice. I understand that .”
She suddenly smiled at the darkness. Andy shivered. She whispered again, “You do?”
“Yes,” Andy said with a impatient sigh “He wanted you to tell me that he was telling me that it was my choice.”
“You understand it now?” Alice asked the empty corridor before her.
“No! What the hell is it supposed to mean!?” Andy looked as if molten tears were vainly trying to escape his eyes but none fell.
Alice shook her head sloppily but there was this pained look in her eyes. “He said that you would understand and he wanted me to tell you…”
“Alice! Please! What happened to Judd?” Andy screamed. Cathy came to him, drawing him away from the door. Alice then cried hysterically but still she was there before the door looking out towards the empty corridor. She was half inside the room half outside it – just lingering at the door that connected the two.
“Andy, get a hold of yourself!” Cathy said, trying to calm him down but her hands violently shook. “We’ll – we’ll call an ambulance. Maybe they could do something – maybe…”
Cathy’s voice slowly faded away. Andy stared at her moving lips but there was no other sound but his breathing. He was alarmed at first for the eddies of breath were so smooth but his heart hammered frantically in his chest. Then he realized that it was not his own breath. He looked at Cathy – it can’t be her. She looked at Alice’s heaving figure. He could almost imagine the quick rhythm of her heart, but no, it was not her. Then he turned slowly to his left, just beyond Cathy’s cheek that was where it was coming from. He walked forward. Cathy turned to him, she must have been asking him something but he could not hear her. Where were the breaths coming from?
Then he realized that the whole room seemed to be breathing but there was this one source. He slowly walked towards the bed, gazing in wonder at the young man in a fetal position. He looked at his back without once tearing his eyes away from the thick brown leather of the jacket that he wore. Then he gasped.
It moved.
Suddenly he could hear Cathy speaking again.
“Hello? Madam, please – please send an ambulance my friend is unconscious. No – I’m not what happened b-but there no pulse he-he’s not breathing. Madam, please I don’t know what to do! Calm down? Calm down - No there are no adults here! Ma’am I beg you-”
He looked at Alice. She had stopped crying, she even stopped rocking back and forth she just looked out towards the dark corridor. Then that was when he heard her speak.
“Andy?” she said softly.
He was somehow surprised to hear her voice and it sounded so normal. He leant beside her.
She turned to him and she wiped her eyes. “Before Judas slept I heard him whisper something.”
“What is it?”
“Don’t worry, my dear sister. All you need to do is realize that it doesn’t matter how old you would become because in truth our lives occur in less than a minute. You only need to realize that and understand the minute-” she began rocking again “-he didn’t take anything, Andy. He just went to the bed and slept and he did not wake up. He’s all I really have now, Andy. He’s all that I really have and now he’s gone. Haven’t you heard what happened this morning? I only found out this morning! He’s all that I have now! He said that you would understand. ANDY! WHAT DOES HE MEAN!? He said that you’d know!”
Andy kept on shaking his head and the ground beneath feet was fading to water. Every morsel of conversation that he had with Judd, every moment that they spent together, every night that he saw Judd studying there outside, every second that they spent at that park flashed before him… why was he still incapable in understanding? Why was his brain not fit enough still?
He rushed out of the room looking as if he was seeking for air. He could faintly hear Cathy calling out to him but he was already near the gate. He had to get away. Alice’s wails pierced the quietude and the sharp cries seemed to scratch the hidden recesses of his skin. He hurriedly went inside his car. The streets were reduced to a blur and the streetlights seemed like giant fireflies that appeared now and then but he wasn’t able to really gaze at them. There was a loud thud that slapped against his car. He looked at the rearview mirror and faintly saw a fallen road sign. He just righted his glasses and went on.
He went towards the bridge, as he went past it he saw that a part of the iron railings that protected cars from falling off the road was missing. So that was what the detour that morning was for. His car careened through the gravel and the broken white lines zigzagged before him. He no longer had an idea where he was headed to, he just insisted on stepping on the gas.
He could hear his cellular phone ringing but the nuisance was beyond him. The throbbing in his veins was drowning him with lightheadedness that all that he could do was to continue driving. He went past several streets and then he suddenly found himself at a highway. There were noticeably less cars in the streets. Was it already that late?
He followed the red taillights as if they were torches guiding his way. On the far corners and the fireflies remained and there were so many of them now. He gave out a pained scream. He never felt so stupid, so at loss, so incapable of a rational thought and so he just followed. He no longer had any idea how long he had been driving. A great deal of time before he heard the warning beep that his cellular phone was running out of power and now that it no longer emitted any sound he guessed that it had already died out.
He finally saw a sign:
“à Tagaytay ß Manila”
He turned right.
He opened his eyes. My God, it was the dream again.
He looked up at the moon. He felt the wind whip through his skin. His heartbeat raced frantically in his chest again and the angels were winking at him from the sky again. God, please stop this dream. He was already too frightened – too confused.
He heard the pebbles tumble down the ridge. The wind was becoming exhaustingly strong. He tried to move but his knees had buckled. He couldn’t move any part of his body and yet he could feel it shake from the cold. He could feel the numbness crawl up from the tips of his fingers up to his knuckles, at his palms then up to his arms. He was beginning to feel so light. Was this just another dream? He begged in his mind to wake up.
Wake up, Andy. Wake up.
“Yes, wake up… you’ll understand.”
He gasped and tried to turn around towards the whisper.
That’s when he lost his footing.
He gasped for air once again. Everything was so painfully bright. Then he realized that it was his car’s headlights. He saw it before he fell then suddenly everything… every single significant event in his life flashed before him but it was playing backwards. As the images swept by he felt the sensation of falling from a great height.
His jacket was slapping his face.
He looked at the sign saying: “Batangas.”
He was lying on the Bellarmine Field.
He put down his bag on his dormitory room.
The pudgy principal from his highschool handed him a roll of parchment.
The wind was caressing his palms.
They went to the old hotel in Baguio for the summer.
It was his first day in highschool.
He opened the Christmas present that he rooted for all year long.
He could no longer feel the feet that followed his descent.
He scraped his knee while playing with his snotty friends.
He cried as his mother left him for the first time in this alien place full of tables and chairs.
He was wading through this wonderland of brightly-colored balls with these unknown playmates.
His parents were looking down on him, blocking the view of this contraption with pastel ducks and fruits and balls that went round and round.
He could not longer feel the breath in his lungs.
He heard a baby cry.
He was born.
He was conceived.
And then… he lost his footing on the cliff and he fell.
It rewinded again. Now it played forward. The cry – the children – elementary – high school – adolescence – college – then the cliff…
Now he can clearly see the black waters. The wind that greeted his descent was unbearable. Then suddenly he realized it. He understood. Judd was right. A minute.
The rocks below were just a few meters away. It would hurt. But, then again it would not. Suddenly everything vanished. Everything. The moon, the stars, the clouds, the night, the cliff, the rock, the wind.
He opened his eyes only then realizing that they were closed.
He needed but to realize it.
He smiled.
It began at his fall. That was when he was born.
And now his first minute finally began …
“It’s just so painfully simple that you would just get frustrated…” Judd’s words echoed in his ears.
And then there was blessed silence.
Since everything is just a recall, supposing that every still would already be set before our mind falls into it to the stills, as we advanced more, time (a measure) does not exist therefore the only time that we spend is the totality of the act of recalling up to the end of the recall which, because this said instance actually is death, is less than a minute.
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